I went to bed feeling depressed Saturday night, and I woke up depressed the next morning. I hadn’t felt so terrible in a long time. That last post about my introduction to prescription drugs was a tough one. Funny how it still surprises me that writing through my darkness doesn’t always bring me into the light. Sometimes it brings freedom, but sometimes it feels like my words hold me hostage.
Let go. Get away from me. I wrote you out, and now you’re supposed to be gone.
I felt taunted by my truth. I felt hurt by the absence of listeners both real and imagined. I didn’t regret my words, but I felt like my words resented me. Almost like they wanted to stay trapped inside; they were cozy there. I threw them out into the cold, and my words wanted back into my head.
Why isn’t it Lent already? I just want some quiet.
I searched the retreat schedule at the nearest monastery; I wanted to escape. Then reality struck me. The truth of the matter is that I won’t be able to get away until this summer. I’m stuck here in the noise of this world, in the noise of everyone around me, and demands strewn all over the place.
Oh, that’s right Ash Wednesday is in two days. I can hold it together until then.
Today, as I got dressed for work, I slipped on my patron saint necklace. “St. Catherine of Siena, pray for me,” I whispered.
By the time I arrived at work, her words rang through my mind, “All the way to heaven is heaven, because Jesus said, “I am the way.”
“I don’t get that, St. Catherine. Basically, right now I think that heaven could be felt if I were able to go to the abbey. But I have to work and I have bills to pay and I have a baby to nurse and I feel behind in everything, and, and, and…”
“All the way to heaven is heaven, because Jesus said, “I am the way.”
Her words are still troubling me as I write this, and I’ll be mulling them over today as I have mulled them over on days prior. Maybe, just maybe, I can listen to her words and believe that:
- Through writing, no matter how difficult the subject, Jesus is still the way.
- When I crave quiet and I despise the noise of the world and its demands, it doesn’t change that Jesus is the way
- When I feel depressed it doesn’t negate that Jesus is the way
- That all the steps I take throughout the day that seem pointless to me are not so because Jesus is the way
“All the way to heaven is heaven, because Jesus said, “I am the way.” –St Catherine of Siena