I’m writing a book. I’ve been writing a book for the past several years, but the content has taken different forms. My story has been aimed at various audiences, and my voice has changed as the pain has washed up on shores of healing. I’ve charted new courses again and again and again. I’ve swept myself out to sea, and have looked for the lighthouse to bring my words home.
I’m out to sea, friends. I’m looking for the light, but I don’t see it.
Writing in the darkness is painful, confusing, depressing, and intense. I’ve been fighting the dark waves with everything I’ve got. My eyes are set above me, and I’m so anxious to see a beam of light, drawing me in. This must stop.
I’ve set a new deadline for a revised book proposal, and if I keep looking for the light then it will never get written. I must allow the toss and the turbulence of writing to have its way with me. My story is not one of calm waters.
Living through the dark night of the soul is one experience, but writing about the dark night brings you back into the shadows. The shadows, though they only reflect the dark night, are very real representations of it.
I’m seeing the shadows of porn sites on my computer, and the paper trails of a sex addict.
I’m seeing the shadows of doors slamming and suitcases closing.
I’m seeing the shadows of a woman so depressed she stopped showering, totally immobilized by pain.
I’m hearing echoes of pastors, professors, and psychologists.
I’m hearing echoes of goodbyes and courtroom banter.
I’m hearing echoes of a narcissistic, pathological liar.
I’m reliving feelings of abandonment, and the echoes and the shadows are my companions.
And yet, friends, I’m going to keep walking through the shadows and listening to the echoes, and yes, it is dark, but I wouldn’t be choosing this path if I didn’t believe it would bring light.
I may be writing a bit less in this space, and shifting my focus to some new areas as I spend the rest of March finishing my book proposal. Prayers, peaceful thoughts and good vibes welcome as I continue to write in the dark; God knows I need them now.
As you walk through your own shadows, perhaps of both happiness and sorrow, what echoes do you hear today? Thanks for reading.