I rolled over. I wasn’t tired, but I shut my eyes.
I am going to become pregnant. No, that’s weird. How would I know seconds after sex that pregnancy was impending?
I sent my sister a text saying she would be an auntie again. That’s weird. I’m texting my sister after sex. I really need to go to sleep.
Fast forward three weeks: Two lines appear on the pregnancy test. Wait, what? No…But…Yes.
Give my husband some lame excuse about having to go get cold medicine at midnight. He believes me. I get the digital pregnancy test. I wanted to see “PREGNANT” come up…not just two lines. It didn’t matter that I already KNEW it was true on that night three weeks prior. How did I know? I have no idea. I may not ever have a moment like that again.
Rewind a decade:
I had always wanted kids. My high school sweetheart and I talked and dreamed about having a big family. I wondered what it would be like to feel life inside me. I had names picked out. I wanted to have special traditions. I wanted them to love Jesus. I wanted to be surrounded by as many children as possible. Then my heart broke…and my vulnerability to motherhood shrunk a little.
I had other boyfriends and imagined having a family with them. My heart broke again. Then, I met the man I had been waiting for all my life. Or so I thought. He committed adultery. He invested lie after lie into our marriage. He didn’t just break my heart…he made it unrecognizable.
And when your heart is that mangled, you don’t know that you can ever be whole again. And if your heart can’t be whole again, how can you love again? How can you ever trust someone enough to have a family with them? How can you know you will be a present and loving mother when you have struggled with clinical depression, severe anxiety, and PTSD? I didn’t know what kind of mother I would be, and so I just let the dream die. I let the dream die along with many other dreams for my life. It seemed the thing to do.
Fast forward to the beginning of Lent, during my pregnancy:
40 Days of Ushering
To serve as an usher of both the living and the dying is my calling during this Lenten season.
1. a. an officer or servant who has the care of the door of a court, hall, or chamber
b. an officer who walks before a person of rank
c. one who escorts a person to their seats
v. Ushered, ushering, ushers
1. to conduct to a place
2. To precede as an usher, forerunner or harbinger
3. To cause to enter: introduce
-Merriam Webster Dictionary
I suppose God planted the seed of what I was to do during this season a couple months ago. December 29th, 2011 was the day that I found out I would be giving birth to a son. Before I even left the doctor’s office that morning, I knew that ‘October’ would be part of my son’s name.
October is National Respect Life Month…seeing his delicate and perfect body greet me from the ultrasound screen filled my heart with admiration and respect for the life of this little boy, and for the gift of life God has given all of us. The zeal and passion for life, that was renewed and invigorated in me on that December day, lead me to solemnly consider the lives all unborn children. On many occasions over the past two months I have let the tears fall while holding onto my belly thinking of all the babies that do not have mothers that welcome them into the world. Instead, they have mothers who choose to place their little beating hearts in the hands of those who gladly, willingly snuff their existence out. The responsibility that I have, that all mothers have, of ushering in a new life to the world has been heavily impressed upon my heart.
I am an usher to my son. My body will introduce him to the world, my heart will escort him through those things monumental and those things mundane in his life, and my soul will long for us to be forever united when we are both ushered into the kingdom of God by our Heavenly Father.
My child, Keller Benjamin October Trust, to carry you in your journey of life for the past 26 weeks and five days has been an honor. Although our journey has not been easy, I am thankful for each day we have shared together. During Lent, I will use a portion of each evening to write a letter to you. Perhaps the letters will be those of hopes and dreams or of fears calmed by God’s promises, but regardless of the exact content, they will contain vulnerable truths as the vulnerable truth of your life is contained in me.
While I am physically ushering in the life of Keller, I will spiritually usher the lives of unborn babies into heaven through prayer. October is also the month of The Holy Rosary. I will pray the Rosary for the souls of the little ones who will take their first breath, not on this earth, but in the arms of the Lord. To usher their tiny beings into the presence of Jesus and all of the saints and angels is one way that I can pay respect to their life. I make a commitment to wake up every morning before the Lovejoy Surgicenter Abortion Clinic opens at 8am, and pray for all the boys and girls that will meet Jesus that day. I will pray the Rosary for all the mothers who choose not to usher the life of their child into the world. I will pray that their hearts would know that the Creator of All wishes to usher them into His love. When possible, I will be physically present to pray at the clinic, but whether I am able to make it there or not, I vow to be there in a spirit of prayer each and every morning during Lent.
“Then little Children were brought to Him that He might put His hands on them and pray, but the disciples rebuked them. But Jesus said, “Let the little Children come to Me, and do not forbid them; for of such is the kingdom of heaven.” And he laid hands on them and departed from there. –Matthew 19: 13-15
Fast Forward to Today: I just put my precious son to bed. He is a miracle. Although, I had forsaken my dream…He was God’s dream. It is good when dreams come true.