Tag Archives: sexual addiction

I Am Not a Porn Star

 

 

Walking away is an option.

Women, walking away IS an option.

Several months ago I began to notice a trend in search terms that landed people in this place. At first, I thought it was a little odd, but not incredibly unusual since I did write this piece in which “lust” was part of the title

One day, I read off a list of search terms to my husband, even leaving a few out because I just couldn’t bring myself to say all the words aloud.

“Uh, wow, you’re in the wrong corner of the internet,” he said bluntly.

“I know, but I just don’t get it. I haven’t written much about porn or lust or anything explicitly sexual in detail. Why would people be coming here? I’m sure they see my heading, quickly realize this isn’t what they’re looking for, and move on. But these searches are increasing in frequency…” I continued to speculate about the whole thing.

Then, I decided to do a little investigative work myself.

Take the “T+r” out of my last name and replace it with an “L” and you’ve got yourself a porn star. Natalie Lust is who people come looking for, and I don’t have any X-rated content to offer them. However, part of my personal history coincides with what people are searching for, so I will speak to it.   

I remember when I saw my first pornographic video. It was on a weekday morning. I was still in my pajamas. I went over to our glass top dining table, opened the laptop, which was propped up against the windowsill ledge, and it took my brain a moment to catch up with my eyes. I willed my eyes to blur, and my stomach filled with fear. I quickly exited the moving picture only to have another one pop up behind it. The tool bar was filled with sexually explicit search terms, adult websites- I couldn’t take it, and I shut the screen off.

I was twenty-two, married for less than four months, and I couldn’t believe that my husband might have a problem with pornography.

We had discussed the issue while dating and engaged. He assured me that it was not an area of struggle for him, and he was quite convincing.  I had been in relationships, prior to our marriage, with boyfriends who were honest enough to tell me they struggled with porn; it was topic of conversation.   Was it uncomfortable? Yes, but it was a reality. I wasn’t naïve to the fact that statistics pointed to rampant pornography addiction among men.

So I stood by the glass table and asked myself the question I didn’t want to consider, “Could my husband be addicted to porn?”

Several hours later I called him, I was calm, but still shaken from what I had seen. None of it made sense to me. These weren’t simply images of objectified naked women; these images were startling, darker in nature than what you might see in Playboy.

“Babe, I don’t know how to ask you this, but I have to… I saw something on our computer this morning, something terrible and…and…” my voice faltered for a moment. “Are you looking at porn? I just want you to be honest with me please, I love you and…” I began to cry.

“Baby girl, what did you see?” he asked, his voice dropping to match my tone.

I described what I had seen, how page after page after page popped up, and I had to see so much that I never wanted to see. I told him I never wanted to see anything like that ever again on our computer, and that I had to know the truth.

“Baby, I want you to listen to me, I love you. I would never be looking at that kind of thing. I have you, babe; you’re all I need. I am so sorry that you have those pictures in your mind now. I will protect you from seeing anything like that ever again. I’ll take the computer down to the lab tomorrow, and have them install some software on it. There must be some pop ups coming through or something,” he spoke with strength, seeming concern for me in his voice.

“But this doesn’t make sense…Why would these sites be in our search history?” I wanted to believe him, but I was skeptical.

I thought this might be where the end was beginning.

I was wrong. The end had begun long ago for us, before we had even met he was embroiled in a life of sexual addiction, but I was just now starting to find the pieces of what would make for the unraveling of us.

A few short months from this first confrontation, I would see his face from a familiar photo, a photo taken during the period of our engagement; we had been on a family vacation. He had cropped my fourteen-year-old sister’s face out of the photo. There it is was, staring at me from the printer paper, his smiling face, explicit profile next to it, requesting sexual encounters.

When people wind up on my blog, because they are looking for a porn star, my thoughts stray to my first husband, and I wonder if this is how it all started for him. Dabbling here, taking a look there, casual sexual encounters with this person or that person, and then he was in a cycle which he couldn’t stop. Then, he became a believer in the world he made for himself. He believed in a world of his own creation to such an extent that he couldn’t tell the truth even when he had the opportunity; he believed his own lies.

I wasn’t about to be part of the world he created nor would I ignore it; I got out.

{If you’re reading this today, and you’re in a relationship with a sex-addict, you don’t have to stay with them. It isn’t your responsibility to help them. If you’ve been victimized, used to be part of someone’s sick game or sexual fantasy, it isn’t your fault. Please know you don’t have to live a life bearing someone else’s secret laden life; you can be free.}